Yet again one more chance I give to myself. I have been struggling for years with the thought of writing
something. Numerous discussions with my BFFs and family but never came up with the confidence.
Not the confidence on my language but whether I would do justice with my own thoughts and feeling
and of others who would get involved as basic and important character of my stories. Feelings that’s
correct, I never thought I can use my brain whilst writing. I always wanted to write something Genuine,
something real, something I have really faced and experienced. I initially blamed on my lack of focus but
that’s not true its was only sincerity I was looking for to put down on my pages.
Time to flow myselfin the river of tales .Stories which means little and stories which means everything.
But the draw the narrative of one individual life decisions and choices.
The Rain will fall
The day has broken gloomy and grey. Its already 6 am and still hard to reach my bathroom without
switching on the lamp. It has snowed last night, a heavy storm. All work places will be closed today
which also means its no work day for me too. Alike most people I never liked these days for one simple
reason that I want to be so busy that my thoughts don’t follow me. I don’t want to face the demons of
my conceptual brainand drain the life out of these contemplations. But alas I had little idea that this day
was chosen by god for me. The grey I was looking outside and have been feeling deep in my heart was
about to fade away at the same time .
As Iambrushing my teeth the radio started playing OHH Canada song for some reason. I have not heard
the radio jockey before this,that why would he be playing this song today. Its not CanadaDayneither
any other patriotic moment. While the song play and I manage to dance and sing that too and feel it, I
could hear my tea pot whistling from the kitchen. A hot cup of tea early in the morning chaperon with
such a day, didn’t seems a bad idea after all.
My kitchen window which opened on the ground floor and landlords garden was cleaned.Hmm, I am
sure he woke way early in the morning to do that. A clean freak, much more then I am. Did that make
me jealous?? I smiled while pouring my tea. But whatever it is, living in a basement and having that
window was a bliss. I never haveto tilt my head up to see the sky. Just peep out and there it is.
Sitting down on the dinning and looking at those clouds makesme feel lonely. I love to be alone but at
thesame time it was always the feeling oflonliness which made me enjoy my work days. Just before
this thought take me far away in dark, I wearmy glasses and siton the sofa under the lamp. My
favourite place to be, in the land of reading. “ To kill a mocking bird” harper lee, has grasped me in its
armsof geniality for a week now.
The gloom weather of the whole day have noteven let me know how the day went by whilst I read.
Whether it was eating breadsticks or with a cup of hot milestone soup, my eyes laid on the book. It was
only 5:30 pm I realized that the whole day , the day I wanted to pass by so much has been already half
way through. I climbed my basement stairs and opened the door, wind gustled on my cheeks and made
it all rosy. But this is the onlylove affair I had with the snow. It was time to walk around the block and
see the beauty of nature destruction. As much as snow makes the world around you look beautiful it
also covers the green underneath it. I wore my spiked shoes and a heavy coat, timefor stroll. Few
moments alone walking with thesegrey cloud, I make thecall. The call I always want to make once a
week but hesitate every single time, that what would I hear new now.The bell rings 5 times before his
voice says “hayluu”. Yes that’s the expression he always used to greet. I speak to him about normal day
and well being . So the next ususal question comes up I is “so whats new?”
He is really excited in his voice today. He tells me I bought a ring. I bought a ring today and proposed
her. She is a student in NY Universityand we are finally moving in together. I smile back with my words
and congratulate him. Realizing in a fraction, Today a cupid has stuck both of us togetherone more
time, only difference this time is love and hurt. It is ambivalence I am facing. I amhappy for him but at
the same time not sad for me too. I am not sure what to feel at this moment end of my relationship OR
end of the wait, which has made me such a stone towards my own self. I do not want to cry but what do
I do with these cold tears rolling down my cheeks and drying up so quick, that I have to cry a little more
to keep my face wet. He is gone. He is never coming back. The wait is over. Wehavemade mistakes and
have moved on, its already on papers. I am explaining to my heart and brain at the same time. I am
going to drown in my own breaths I am taking. What do I want from him? he is my ex. He never asked
me wait for him. It is me who has done for months after divorce. Just two blocks away from my home, I
want to reach it and dig inside my bed. But distance seems so small yet too far. With all this going inside
within me, I heard that loud noise, which stops my heartbeat for a second as if someone pushed a
button to recharge it . Oops last thing I need at the moment, a thunderstorm. The struck light on the
wall of sky that I am afraid of so much has just made me come out my lifeless mind and heart.
And is now, I feelthe teardrops of that sky on my skin. The droplets of that rain, making me feel that I
wasn’t alone. Someone has been watching and has come to hold my hand. To say I am with you now
and always. I am here to wash out those tears from your cheeks and make it rosy again. Right now I am
feeling nothing but just some comfort. Comfort of that cold weather which was warmer than my heart
at the moment. Comfort of that rain which was making my tears disappear that I cannot taste them sour
on my lips. I am not aware that I have passed by my home three blocks away, the home I so wanted to
reach and fast. I sit on the bench park shivering and letting my heart shout at the top of my inner voice.
Its been a little too late. A little too late for everything. A little too late for the day has passed by finally. I
start walking back home and reach my stairs. I lit the cigarette which I have always been keeping but
never smoked. It was the same cigarette pack he made me buy on one of the calls teasing and
challenging me that I can never smoke because I hate it so much. But I bought that pack not because of
his dare, it was with the hope that if he sees me doing he will leave it. Just a few hours ago I still
devouted our relationship.
My hands are shaking and I put that cigarette on my lips. I can feel that smoke fill my lungs and a big
cough came out. Every drag I took made me feel I was flushing out something from within with that
smoke. I have reached my bed at last, I drop myself as if never to wake up. And all of a sudden my phone
vibrates, it is no one calling. Its my alarm asking me to wake up and get ready for a new day.
I walk to the kitchento drink from my tap. There it is, when I looked up. There is no grey anymore. Sky
look as beautiful blue as I always love. I smiled back to the blue and said Hi. Seems as it has changed its
color from grey to blue within 24hrs after facing such a storm and thunder just for me, just with me. Its
time to go work but for the first time I am calling work and making excuse, sorry I cannot come today. I
want to take sip of my hot coffee today on the porch. I want to look up the sky and still feel the sea
green color of it, which snow has always hidden underneath its beauty. I want to read my book. It
sounds the same, but is it ??